We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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