Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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