That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize