You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
