i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
