Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
