she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
