i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What drink are we having for lunch?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
