Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
