Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
