When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
