Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
