Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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