New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
