So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
