Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
