I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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