She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
