If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
