I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
