I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
