You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I hate all girls vehemently.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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