Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
