I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just sent this text using only my big toe
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
