I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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