you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
