ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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