Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm always down for nudity.
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