i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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