Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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