I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
