My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
