no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
