The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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