mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
