Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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