sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
