dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
