My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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