got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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