I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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