I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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