Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
