i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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