I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
