Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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