So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
