We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
