Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
