I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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