had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
