her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
