fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize