So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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