We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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