its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize