Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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