I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
