her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
